ic contact; MoM

[coppelganger]

Hey, it's Sarah. Leave a message.

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[magnitudes]

I'm not here for the gifts, Sarah.

( She says it quietly, managing to keep the faint pang of irritation out of her voice. Not quite gently, because she doesn't think Sarah requires bubble wrap, and it's not like she's saying something harsh. It's just not why she's here.

More bluntly, ) I just wanted to say I'm sorry. That's all.

[coppelganger]

Okay. Apology accepted.

[ What else can she say? (A lot, actually, but she's never been great at this stuff.) She steps past Sarissa and starts to rummage for her keys. ]

D'you wanna come in and get them, anyway? At least take Mendel's.

[magnitudes]

Fuckin' Oath, Sarah, do you not want to hear the whys and the bloody— there are nuances. I acted that way because there were nuances that made shit complicated, even though it shouldn't have been. Do I just talk too much, or do you not care?

( She doesn't sound mad, just bewildered and kind of tired and sad. Like she had this whole big explanation and reasons and no they didn't make it okay but they were the bloody nuances that made it make sense.

She sighs, and scuffs the heel of her boot on the floor. ) Fine. Yeah.

[coppelganger]

[ Sarah looks at her, then, and for an instant, the same suspicious look is in her eyes. ]

Do I want to know why nuances made you take the word of a shitty eighteen year old drug dealer over mine? [ Never mind that calling Kavinsky a shitty drug dealer is so hypocritical of her. Never! Mind! That! ]

[magnitudes]

Self-critical nuances. I am trying, here, okay. I came to apologise to you, after you bailed on me.

( HER FEELINGS, SARAH. ) Or are people not allowed to make mistakes, now?

[coppelganger]

I only bailed on you after you told me I was wrong. I accepted your apology, what more do you want?

[ She gets the front door unlocked and steps inside, but she waits there for Sarissa to follow her. ]

[magnitudes]

( She didn't come here to argue, bit as she walks through the doorway it becomes evident she's biting her tongue.

For about ten seconds. )

God, I'm mad as a cut snake right now. I want the way my head works to matter to you. I want you to give me a chance even when we don't see things the same way, because I think the differences matter, too. Because I said you were my soulmate and you didn't call me yours and then you left and you only seem to care when I agree with you and on the stuff where we're the same. I get that I'm not really your sister the way Tiger and Ali are, but you like when they're different from you and ypu seem to only like the ways we're the same.

( Okay at least part of that is Grossly Unfair and Sarissa Over Thinking but she's not good at.... existing )

[coppelganger]

[ Sarah's mouth opens, but she has nothing to say. She looks stunned and hurt by what Sarissa's saying, but she can't think of a single argument in this moment. She said it back, right? When Sarissa called her her soulmate? Surely she said it back, said something, at least. She closes the front door and can't look Sarissa in the eye. ]

I—

[magnitudes]

It's... forget it. Who'd want your soulmate to be some naive fuckhead who thought a teenager needed someone to have their back, even when it was you that was saying it?

( Sarissa shrugs, hands in her pockets. ) You dodged a bullet, I guess.

[coppelganger]

[ Okay, that's it. ]

Oi!

[ Sarah clenches her fists, crosses her arms so Sarissa can't see it. God forbid it look like she might hit somebody. ]

First off, what's with you thinking you're the only one with problems? Just 'cause you wanna talk about yours all the time doesn't mean they're the only ones that exist. It's so easy for you to call someone your soulmate or compare them to a bloody painting or some poetry. It's not so easy for me to say I love people. It's really bloody hard, and I've tried getting better at it since all this clone shit's happened, but it's still hard and it'll always be hard. Sorry I didn't say exactly what I was supposed to, what you wanted.

[ She looks up at Sarissa, finally, unblinking. ] I've got no problem with you thinking about things differently. That was never the issue. The issue's that that kid you want to protect fucked with my family, and you're supposed to be part of it, but you didn't even believe me. [ Her voice breaks the slightest bit on the last word, and she grits her teeth, taking a moment before she speaks again. ] It's my job to protect them.

cw: ref to child abuse

[magnitudes]

You've seen inside my head! You know what I grew up with. ( She could explode with it, but she statd calm until the next part and then it's a painful crack un her voice rather than anything vicious. )

You saw that and you're angry with me for keeping you from beating a kid? Punch first, ask questions later? What am I meant to do, see a kid get hit and just assume the person swinging is in the right because they're family? Because I was the rough kid that probably needed a firm hand. If I had a bruise or two, well, blind eyes got turned. I'm-- I'm not the person who can turn a blind eye for family, I have to ask. I had to have his back because I needed someone to have mine and--

( She just... stops. )

I screwed up, okay? I should have believed you. And I'm trying to protect your family, too.

( Because it sounds like Sarissa's not counted in it any more and she's doing a bad job at not looking devastated. )

[coppelganger]

That kid's not you! He's not even a kid! He's an adult who's old enough to take responsibility for what he did, but he won't, 'cause you're not forcing him to.

[ She steps away from the door so that Sarissa can pass by and leave, if she wants to. ]

You've seen inside my head, too. And if you think what I did to him is the same as beating on an eight year old, then—I don't know what else to say. But we're not gonna come out on the same side of this.

[magnitudes]

I know--

( she starts, but Sarah keeps going. And she moves to clear the path to the door, and Sarissa feels something inside herself buckle. )

But I'm sorry. That's what I was...

( was trying to say, but its come out all wrong. So much for poetry and paintings. )

[coppelganger]

For what it's worth, I feel the same. The soulmate thing you talked about.

[magnitudes]

( Sarissa moves towards Sarah with slow steps, until she's neither directly in front of her or at her side. Front of roght shoulder to front of right shoulder, just touching if Sarah will let her, before she tilts over to kiss Sarah's cheek and takes a step away. )

It's worth a lot, asteri mou. ( But she's going to go, she thinks, because it doesn't seem like she's done much good by coming here. )

[coppelganger]

Wait here.

[ Sarah disappears into the guest room for a minute, and when she returns, she's holding three packages wrapped in kangaroo-themed paper. ]

Let me know if Mendel likes his.

[magnitudes]

( For a moment Sarissa hesitates, and nods her acquiescence.

And then... kangaroos. She can't help throwing Sarah a very amused look. )

Uh oh. You tryin' to tell me I got a few 'roos loose in the top paddock?

[coppelganger]

Yeah, maybe. Or I couldn't find anything with Tasmanian devils.

[magnitudes]

I'm from Victoria, mate.

( False snippiness, but she's still smiling, as she carefully holds the packages, running her fingers reverently along the creases and tape, before taking a step closer to Sarah and holding an arm out - the offer of a hug, rather than presuming to just step into one, the way she's gotten used to doing.

More quietly, ) Thank you.

[coppelganger]

[ Sarah hugs her, tucking her chin over Sarissa's shoulder and briefly closing her eyes. They'll be okay. She can feel that. ]

Of course.

[magnitudes]

I'm—

( She pauses a second, and hugs Sarah a little tighter. )

Sorry about the words stuff. I'll try ease up. ( Communicating is hard, and she's not good at it - it's all too much or too little, too sincere or too sarcastic, but she'll try. )

[coppelganger]

You don't have to do that.

[ She hesitates, biting at the inside of one cheek. ]

I'm sorry you think I only care about you when we're the same.

[magnitudes]

If it's bad for you, yeah, I gotta. I didn't mean it like that.

( Well. Did and didn't. )

I'm terrified of letting you down. Seems like I do that all the time.

[coppelganger]

You don't. Really. S'just—

[ She looks down for a moment. ]

It's complicated when it's family shit. I'd kill anyone who fucked with them, or you. Even a kid.

[magnitudes]

( Easing back, Sarissa carefully sets down the presents, and brushes Sarah's hair back with both hands, so she can let her hands cradle Sarah's jaw and fingers rest on her skin, very gently. Sarissa makes no move to try and make Sarah look up, but she does rest her forehead against Sarah's for a moment. There are mythological protectors she could talk about. She could compare Sarah to a lioness, because that's what she seems like, she could talk about Bast who was a lioness and a protector and linked to the Sun, but she can't mention a one of those things because her words, they hurt Sarah. They're too much and they burn her, seems like.

Sarah is gold and sunshine and lions and fire that holds back your enemies and burns them. She's terrible, when she must be, but she's warmth and comfort, too. Sarissa bites the inside of her cheek and stays close. Van Gogh painted sunflowers, just sunflowers in some of his works and they were extraordinary because of how they used new pigments and explored the whole spectrum of a colour, and Sarah was like that but with fire, and Sarissa can't say a word of it. It's hard, keeping words locked up, but she'll try. )

I know you would. I'd do the same for you.