God, that sounds dramatic, don’t it? I feel like if I ever actually said “dear Sarah” to you your eyes’d roll right out of their sockets. We’d probably be doing some stupid shit while watching the daily soapies.
Saroula,
If you’re reading this then it probably means I’m gone, and I’ve been gone for a little bit, and the odds are that at the very least I won’t be back for a while. It might be that it means we’re never going to see each other again. That sucks, and I don’t have colourful enough language for just how much. Just know this: the time we spent together was some of the most important time in my life. I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I know for sure I’ll never have a bond like this with anyone else ever again.
I thought, for the longest time, that all that mattered was the people around me, like they were what defined me, and I couldn’t make sense without them. And then I thought that maybe I’d just been broken the whole time, and that’s just how I was. Do you know what I mean? Like I was some kind of damaged cassette tape with the guts of it pulled out that kept getting mangled over and over whenever it got played. And you helped me see that I wasn’t. I didn’t need someone to be in love with me to be worth something, or to make me make sense, or absolve me. And I know it’s weird to say that you gave me that, but you did.
And that’s not to say I didn’t love being around you, or say that you didn’t make me want to do better or feel better, because you did. You’re my north star, my bloody compass. But it’s because I chose you, and I adore you, not because I can’t escape you, you know? You’re my sister, and you’re the person I love most in any world. You saved me in so many ways I can’t even say.
I know I wasn’t always a good sister. I get it wrong a lot, and I worry sometimes that I was the one who got all the good out of his, and that I left you with a lot of hurt. I hope not, but that worry is there all the same. Please know that if there are things I’ve done that have hurt you, that I am so fucking sorry. And if I could do anything in the world to make it right, I would, in a heartbeat.
You’re real hard on yourself a lot. Call yourself a shitshow and a mess and talk about fucking stuff up and bad choices. I understand. I think maybe that’s why we get along sood good, because we have torn up edges that we both understand. But the thing is, Sarah, you aren’t a shitshow or a mess or anything bad. You make mistakes sometimes, but shit, who doesn’t? Thing is that you’re protective and you’re kind, and you’ll do anything for the people you love. Those are all really good, really important things. You’re smart. I reckon you could do just about anything in the world you set your mind to. I meant what I said, about you being like a painting. I hope you remember that.
Shit, I can’t kept writing this. No amount of words are going to cover all the things I want to be able to say, and I’m crying in this stupid lawyers office just putting this together. The thought of not remembering you when I leave this place is the worst thing in the world, because you are so, so important to me. When I was here, though, you meant everything to me. Thank you for everything.
I’ll miss you. I love you.
Sarissa
PS. a lady will be in touch about the pigs, and a gentleman will be in touch about Mendel, in case you don’t want to keep looking after them.
A handwritten letter in the post
God, that sounds dramatic, don’t it? I feel like if I ever actually said “dear Sarah” to you your eyes’d roll right out of their sockets. We’d probably be doing some stupid shit while watching the daily soapies.
Saroula,
If you’re reading this then it probably means I’m gone, and I’ve been gone for a little bit, and the odds are that at the very least I won’t be back for a while. It might be that it means we’re never going to see each other again. That sucks, and I don’t have colourful enough language for just how much.
Just know this: the time we spent together was some of the most important time in my life. I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I know for sure I’ll never have a bond like this with anyone else ever again.
I thought, for the longest time, that all that mattered was the people around me, like they were what defined me, and I couldn’t make sense without them. And then I thought that maybe I’d just been broken the whole time, and that’s just how I was. Do you know what I mean? Like I was some kind of damaged cassette tape with the guts of it pulled out that kept getting mangled over and over whenever it got played. And you helped me see that I wasn’t. I didn’t need someone to be in love with me to be worth something, or to make me make sense, or absolve me. And I know it’s weird to say that you gave me that, but you did.
And that’s not to say I didn’t love being around you, or say that you didn’t make me want to do better or feel better, because you did. You’re my north star, my bloody compass. But it’s because I chose you, and I adore you, not because I can’t escape you, you know? You’re my sister, and you’re the person I love most in any world. You saved me in so many ways I can’t even say.
I know I wasn’t always a good sister. I get it wrong a lot, and I worry sometimes that I was the one who got all the good out of his, and that I left you with a lot of hurt. I hope not, but that worry is there all the same. Please know that if there are things I’ve done that have hurt you, that I am so fucking sorry. And if I could do anything in the world to make it right, I would, in a heartbeat.
You’re real hard on yourself a lot. Call yourself a shitshow and a mess and talk about fucking stuff up and bad choices. I understand. I think maybe that’s why we get along sood good, because we have torn up edges that we both understand. But the thing is, Sarah, you aren’t a shitshow or a mess or anything bad. You make mistakes sometimes, but shit, who doesn’t? Thing is that you’re protective and you’re kind, and you’ll do anything for the people you love. Those are all really good, really important things. You’re smart. I reckon you could do just about anything in the world you set your mind to. I meant what I said, about you being like a painting. I hope you remember that.
Shit, I can’t kept writing this. No amount of words are going to cover all the things I want to be able to say, and I’m crying in this stupid lawyers office just putting this together. The thought of not remembering you when I leave this place is the worst thing in the world, because you are so, so important to me. When I was here, though, you meant everything to me. Thank you for everything.
I’ll miss you. I love you.
Sarissa
PS. a lady will be in touch about the pigs, and a gentleman will be in touch about Mendel, in case you don’t want to keep looking after them.